Ranch water summer
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No less a luminary than Peggy Olson once said, “You need three ingredients for a cocktail. Mountain Dew and vodka is an emergency.” She’s certainly right, but can I admit something? I find making drinks a little monotonous. Don’t get me wrong, when I actually go through the effort of putting together a simple syrup or bother taking more than one spirit off the shelf, properly shake or stir, the drink is incredible, but I’m just not gonna do that on a Thursday night. I imagine this is how many people feel about cooking. My partner and I have struck a good balance. He’s more than happy to take out the mixing glass to make a proper martini as long as he doesn’t have to dirty a skillet; meanwhile I have no qualms about chopping three different pieces of produce and turning on the stove and/or oven if it meant I’d wind up with a great meal.
But when I do make my own drinks, I use barely three ingredients and sometimes not even a glass. It’s not about needing that beveragino as soon as humanly possible, it’s simply that I can’t be bothered. Which brings me to ranch water, an outrageously simple drink. It’s slightly more than a tequila soda: The lime juice (none of this quarter-inch citrus sliver tossed in the cup-business1) is what makes this a cocktail. Like any good one, its origin story is not set in stone—but just about anyone with a passion for the drink will say if it’s not carbonated by Topo Chico, it’s not a ranch water.
You may think $3 is steep for a bottle of mineral water. But here’s a secret that I hope you actually already know: If you’re making cocktails at home, it’s always going to be cheaper than out a bar, so treat yourself to Good Bubbles if you can.
Ranch Water, Straight From the Bottle
*If your seltzer isn’t already cold, or you simply prefer to sip cocktails from a glass, fill a tall one with ice, then build the drink in there.
**For what it’s worth, gin and vodka are great here too—I don’t think you can legally still call that ranch water, but I won’t tell.
Serves 1
Ingredients
1 (12-ounce) bottle or can of seltzer, preferably Topo Chico, very cold*
1-2 ounces tequila blanco or mezcal**
1 lime
Pinch kosher salt (optional)
Method
Open the seltzer and take a sip—this makes the room you’ll need to add everything else.
Pour in the tequila, using up to 2 ounces for a stiffer drink. Halve the lime and juice half (about 1 tablespoon) into the bottle/can. Add a tiny pinch of salt if you’re not using Topo Chico (the mineral water is naturally a smidge saltier than other bubbles.)
Taste and add more lime juice or tequila to your preference. Drink outside if possible!
To mitigate the Tiny Citrus Wedge Issue, when I go to bars I order my drinks (gin and soda winter/fall; tequila soda in summer/spring) with lots of lime. The people at Bernie’s usually give me like six wedges very sweetly hooked all around the rim if it’s not too busy. Hospitality!
love this kind of recipe. reminds me of j.m. hirsch's "freezer door cocktails," where he builds out a batch cocktail in a single bottle of liquor (but less commitment). more!